Thursday, May 25, 2006
Severe Baby Blues
The baby blues came out of know where and I am hoping you don't mind if I share this with you. Scott is on a fishing trip with his brother in Louisana and I am by myself. Normally, I relish the thought of having the house to myself, but right now I am not so happy.
It is almost 11pm and I am crying. The thought that I should be a mother of a 2 month old has hit me hard. Damn hormones! I can't stop crying. I rhink the mourning of losing my son has hit me doubly hard tonight and Ian't share it with Scott or my mother because they would think I am crazy. I don't blame God for the conditions that make it a challenge to have children. It is purely genetic, I still can't help but feel sad.
My mother in law said she was visiting over the 4th of July week and I all I could think about was that it was at that time, a year ago, I knew I was pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I want her to visit, but it isnt' a happy time for me.
I feel like such a failure. Scott and I have been blessed with a very good income. I thought I could have it all. I NEVER thought I would be the one adopting.
I always knew adoption would be our first choice. It was. We tried the state foster adoption. I won't go into what happened, but we didn't complete our classes. We then decided to risk all odds nad have our own children. We knew what we were getting into. I just thought we could beat the odds. 75% chance of something going wrong, what was I thinking?
Hope! A miracle?
I know that some of the families who have experienced a loss or infertility know how I feel. I hate the way that the pain comes out of the blue. Right now, as I type, I am typing through tears.
]I hate the way I get stares from family members of pity or of bewilderment (what? They make all that money and what good does it do them if they can't have biological childrnen? )
I mourn from unborn son....my dreams of what our biological child would look like...and for the disappointment I have in myself because I can't give my husband a child.
I am not saying he is unhappy with adoption. He is gung-ho because he doesn' want to see me suffer, but I have not been able show him these tears. He is uncomfortable when I cry, although caring.
I will not even bring myself to decorate child's room because of the pain I had with my son. I was so exited because of the fear of another dissapointment. Although that is really slim. I don't think I'll start decorating until I get the referral.
Thnaks for listening. I think I will go wash my face. I haven't cried so hard since last late Septemeber (when we lost our son). Then again, I should probably let it out.
It is almost 11pm and I am crying. The thought that I should be a mother of a 2 month old has hit me hard. Damn hormones! I can't stop crying. I rhink the mourning of losing my son has hit me doubly hard tonight and Ian't share it with Scott or my mother because they would think I am crazy. I don't blame God for the conditions that make it a challenge to have children. It is purely genetic, I still can't help but feel sad.
My mother in law said she was visiting over the 4th of July week and I all I could think about was that it was at that time, a year ago, I knew I was pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I want her to visit, but it isnt' a happy time for me.
I feel like such a failure. Scott and I have been blessed with a very good income. I thought I could have it all. I NEVER thought I would be the one adopting.
I always knew adoption would be our first choice. It was. We tried the state foster adoption. I won't go into what happened, but we didn't complete our classes. We then decided to risk all odds nad have our own children. We knew what we were getting into. I just thought we could beat the odds. 75% chance of something going wrong, what was I thinking?
Hope! A miracle?
I know that some of the families who have experienced a loss or infertility know how I feel. I hate the way that the pain comes out of the blue. Right now, as I type, I am typing through tears.
]I hate the way I get stares from family members of pity or of bewilderment (what? They make all that money and what good does it do them if they can't have biological childrnen? )
I mourn from unborn son....my dreams of what our biological child would look like...and for the disappointment I have in myself because I can't give my husband a child.
I am not saying he is unhappy with adoption. He is gung-ho because he doesn' want to see me suffer, but I have not been able show him these tears. He is uncomfortable when I cry, although caring.
I will not even bring myself to decorate child's room because of the pain I had with my son. I was so exited because of the fear of another dissapointment. Although that is really slim. I don't think I'll start decorating until I get the referral.
Thnaks for listening. I think I will go wash my face. I haven't cried so hard since last late Septemeber (when we lost our son). Then again, I should probably let it out.
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Oh, I'm so sorry you were feeling this way. I'm sure you are O.K. now, as I'm just checking in. I don't know the loss of s child, but I do know the pain of infertility. It is strange, how it comes up so out of the blue. Mine is often due to hormones too. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now, with work and everything. I hope your husband comes home soon and you get some support. Please know that you are NOT alone.
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